9 March 2015

Satire: French Farage & Humble Pie

photo credit: Huffington Post
Having just been elected as one of the Features Editors for Exeposé 15/16, I thought it would be nice to share more current affairs pieces here, including the wonderful world of satire. I am relatively new to it, but I had a lot of fun writing this particular piece on Nigel Farage, which originally published in last week's Exeposé. In contrast to print, the beauty of online is unlimited word counts, so here is the full - and uncensored - version… 

An explosive undercover report, by national paper The Daily Fail, has revealed that UKIP leader Nigel Farage is harbouring a dark secret. Fifty-year-old Mr Farage, who claims to hail from that most quintessential of British counties – Kent -  is in fact French.

A descendent of the Huguenot dynasty, it is claimed that Mr Farage has been living in such fear of his true routes resurfacing, he went as far as to stop using the hair-dye his wife purchased from him, as it was from L’Oreal. He decided that the risk wasn’t worth it.

The news will come as an embarrassing blow to the party that has been on an unprecedented ascendency in recent months. In addition to having UKIP’s first elected MP, and being invited to partake in a TV debate, Farage was last week named in an Express and Echo poll, “Best of British”.

photo credit: Mail Online
Ranking in at number five, Nigel was pitched to the post only by Yorkshire puddings, Paddington Bear, Pies and unborn baby Cambridge.

It is rumoured that Mr Farage contacted the film producers of the new Paddington Bear, asking to replace Hugh Bonneville as Mr Brown.

An anonymous source in the UKIP headquarters relayed some of the conversation: “he rang them on Thursday, and I think he used the Express and Echo list as his main line of argument.

He said: ‘Lord Grantham only ranked in at 17! Even the dog scored higher than him. The dying dog’… Nigel has yet to hear back from producers”.

In further attempts to boost his poll position, an unnamed member of the University of Exeter’s Student Guild has disclosed that an anonymous donation to PieMinister - made on Friday - was none other than Mr Farage.

“Nothing says you’re British quite like a pie!” Nigel boomed in his local pub last Wednesday, as he chomped on a Cornish pasty. 

“Have you ever visited PieMinister, Mr Farage?” one of his constituents asked him tentatively.

“Me? No, that would make me look like George and his Byron Burger, wouldn’t it?” Farage snapped. The constituent was not granted a right of reply.

As for his plan to trump baby Cambridge in the poll, Nigel’s secretary was photographed last month with the phone number of Princess Anne’s office scrawled on the front of her diary.

“Oh Nigel’s got his eye on Anne all right”, our first source added. “She is all the things he looks for in a woman: single-minded; English; traditional; English.; well-dressed … did I mention English?

He’d also be a hit with the father-in-law.” We do not doubt that.

It is claimed that Phillip is a huge fan of UKIP’s latest campaign song; a take on a recent Taylor Swift hit, it addresses the immigrant issue. 

A Buckingham Palace guard told us how it is a regular occurrence to hear “All the Lib Dems gonna faint, faint, faint, faint, faint. And Labour gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate. But we’ll Shake them off, SHAKE THEM OFF,” at full volume. Apparently the Prince is a rather marvellous baritone.

Nonetheless, the poll is a big silver lining for Farage right now. It has established him as very much a prominent figure in the eyes of the British people.

his photoshop skills are not quite to Stalin's standards yet. 

Ms Sprout, Green Leader, is reported to be beside herself; not only has her Party failed to secure a place in any televised debate, but not one vegetable placed on the Express and Echo list, not even the leader herself. Insiders say she is even considering taking over the paper, and renaming it Express and Eco. 

The incumbent Editor has yet to give us a comment.

Nonetheless, the French issue is a real blow for Farage. When we sent a reporter around the Capital, asking for comments, one member of the public remarked:

“well I don’t know why people are surprised!”

“why is that sir?”

“We knew, didn’t we? That Frenchie hates England! Why else would he want to turn it into a prison?”

We think he may have gotten confused with a certain character from the hit film Johnny English. His closing words would support this:

“Forget Nigel Salvage for PM, I want Rowan Atkinson!” 

It’s a thought, although as far as we are aware Mr (Mili)Bean is already in the running.

When we contacted UKIP for a statement regarding The Daily Fail leak, a party spokesman responded:

“Well it could be worse – he could be Russian”.
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3 comments

  1. This was so well written and hilarious too - I laughed so much at the part about using the Taylor Swift song and re-writing the lyrics, I can see it all now! Nothing like a bit of political satire - and this was so completely different to some of the other things I've read recently online in other blogs - amazing. - Tasha

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    1. This comment had me smiling from ear to ear, thank-you :) I wanted to do something different and might potentially post some more in the future! x

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  2. Haha I absolutely love this! Superbly written and hilarious to boot. Brilliant :)

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