lock me away in a white-walled cell, with only an iPhone for company. Oh, and a bouquet of roses would be nice; can't forget those #instagoals.
On a more serious note, I've been more aware of just how many blog advice posts there are: how to gain followers, how to build social media, how to be the next Zoella... So in the name of comedic relief, here are my 7 satirical ways to win blog followers. Please take them with a pinch of *sponsored* salt...
Write a post on how to win followers
Move into a white box
Never again will you have to hunt for that elusive blank space; you now live in 360 degrees of backdrop brilliance. Just avoid all pens, ribena, raspberries and lipstick. This last one, however, could be slightly problematic...
Buy out MAC
This would be the ultimate blogger fairytale... if you have a few million pounds to spare. We're talking ALL the lipsticks. You will have the makeup haul of makeup hauls. It will be the haul of follow fame. I've said haul too often and it sounds weird; I now know how Miranda feels trying to say moist...
Learn how to Apparate
From Chelsea to Dubai, you could do your OOTDs with Dolphins or Jamie Lang... You could transport yourself instantly to the Twilight Meadow, complete with vampire sparkles. Whatever floats you tote, it's yours. What's more, if apparition is real it means that Hogwarts is real. Life. Complete.
Find a photographer boyfriend
Forget personality, looks, or any other redeeming qualities. It's all about the lookbook lens. So find you inner Joey Tribbiani, waltz into a coffee shop and scream out "Photographer!" You're good to go. If worst comes to worst, and you can't find a photographer, become a hat or foot model...
Become a florist
Flowers and flatlays go together like Rachel and Ross. So go all out and become a florist. Never again will you need to spend your life-savings in M&S. Just run into a field of rainbows and flowers and pick to your heart's content.
Top tip: Lilies are lovely, but logical? Nope. Orange pollen and white surfaces go together more like Chandler and Janice, while your hands will score a 16 in the Ross Gellar Tanning Booth. Run for your #instalife: avoid pollen.
Come up with a #HiddleSwift conspiracy
Is it a music video? Is it a Bond bid? Is it true love? In our wildest dreams, but anything is possible. So share your wildest conspiracy theory and you could be trending as swiftly than Tay Tay herself. Bloggers have to be up to date with the crucial issues of the day, so get your thoughts out of the woods and into the blogosphere. I'm all ears.
Run for Political Leader
Queen of the North, Mother of Children, Brienne of Tarth lookalike... one thing's for certain, partake in the political Game of Thrones and you'll see your name in lights. Angela and Andrea were invisible six months ago. Now? Just ask twitter. After all, trending is truth.
Satire aside, I do have one pointer that really is important...
Yes, you. Wonderful, funny, sassy, intelligent and individual YOU. You are your USP! It may not get you a million followers overnight, or gain a thousand instalikes, but passion is infectious.
Don't buy MAC if the shade isn't you. Don't use that white backdrop if you prefer wood. Fun fact: I prefer wood! Don't let your content be dictated by trends or what others are writing. Yes, audience is important; after all, a blog's success is built on readers! Nonetheless, it has to come from you. What matters to you? What makes you come to life? If it isn't velvet teddy, that's okay.
I am not universally opposed to "blog advice" posts; as a relatively novice blogger, they have given me a lot of useful tips, namely how to use SEO and simple editing strategies. However, lately my bloglovin' and twitter feeds have become dominated by this topic. I see more posts on the topic of blogging, than I do on being. Yes, BEING! My favourite posts are the personal ones, which bloggers like Amie, Jaclyn, Nicole and Rihanna do brilliantly.
In the past week, I have seen a few posts on the subject of twitter chats. They give advice on how to promote your blog in the chats, with "gif sharing" and "being funny" among them. In all honesty, they made me feel quite uneasy. This is by no means a criticism of the writers of this post, but aren't we at risk of losing authenticity? If you're funny, you're funny! If you're not, you will have some other wonderful quality that makes you YOU.
My favourite twitter chat of all time - as recently as last monday - was about Harry Potter. It made me so happy! I was rambling and waffling as I do, sharing my love of Luna and dreams of a Wizolympics (Wizard Olympics). I was in the moment and happy. There were the funny Weasleys of the chat, the whimsical Lunas and the wise Hermiones. It was an eclectic mix of voices, but they were all real. This Monday evening twitter chat @TheGirlGangHQ is my go-to every week, because it focuses on living.
So there is my one genuine nugget of wisdom: Be you! To be fair, buying out MAC would probably gain you a follower or twelve. Nonetheless, I'm simply not that blogger. Nor will I try to be... and that's okay!
All this being said, here are some "blog advice" posts that do break the click-bait mould...
Ideas include illustrations and taking a photo every hour of the day!
Not only does Nikki get the irony of blogging about blogging, but she highlights what matters most: the writing itself! Tell a story and, most importantly, believe in it.
"thou shalt blog from the heart" "thou shalt not compare" - this post is a blogger's bible!
I am guilty of searching for IG "perfection"; this post has motivated me to change my outlook.