25 September 2016

Satireday Night Live #1

Welcome to the pilot of a new post series, Satireday Night Live! Ever since I discovered the weekly joy of Newzoids, in addition to the return of Mock the Week, I've dipped my toe back into the pool of political satire. 

I started to write satire during University; however, I wasn't planning to post on here, as I worried that it was a bit too different from my other content... but diversity is good, right? God knows there are enough MAC reviews to rival Kardashian selfies... So I've decided to take the dive and see how it goes down! 

Ft. BrangelixtLord Blairdemort and bendy-banana cakes, this is Satireday Night Live... 

*Disclaimer: this isn't a real reflection of my political views, so please read with a pinch of salt, pepper and caviar... if you're feeling really Westminster. 
          MONDAY 19.09.16          
“We need a new strategy,” Bill Clinton announces. “We need something that people like and something that people trust.” He pauses in contemplation; he hasn’t been this lost for words since Hilliary found Monica's bra in the Oval. That was one lacy secret Victoria couldn't keep

“So we need people to trust Hlliary?” asks Campaign manager Stephanie. “That might be tricky, given the email…”

“…Well they seem to trust Trump”, interrupts Clinton, “and apparently trust is a big deal to some people…” On this note, he recalls with bitterness the ‘trust management’ course he and Hillary attended in 1998, following the Lewinsky Scandal. The Public lapped it up at the time, but one round of Kar-Monic debt was enough.

“Trump has been ferrying out his wife and grandkids," Stephanie revealed, “So we could follow suit?” Given your MILF – Monica ‘Intern’ Lewinsky Fail – I’m not sure we can wheel you out. We could see if Chelsea and Charlotte is available?”

“Chelsea? Charlotte?” Bill’s forehead furrows.

“Your daughter and granddaughter.” Stephanie exasperates. “You know, public evidence that Hilliary is actually Human?”

“Oh yeah,” the ex-President recalls. “I forget it myself sometimes.”

          TUESDAY 20.09.16          
Back in the UK, Tiny Tim prepares to speak at the Lib Dem Conference. He had been worried that the venue is too big, but turnout exceeds all expectations; with 2 guests more than the number of seats, the #LibDemFightBack has never looked stronger.

“We entered the Coalition with Great Expectations,” the embattled leader begins. “Yes, we fell on Hard Times at the General Election, but we can come back.

“The support here today proves there is another choice. This is not a tale of two parties my friends. We are the third way, the right way…” 

“…Don’t you mean the LEFT way, Tiny Tim?” one member asks. 

“Wait! I thought we were the centre way?” another cries out in confusion. 

“Yes, we’re all those things too.” Tiny Tim splutters. “We are the party of inclusion; the party that will stop Brexit.  The party that will tell our European friends, ‘God bless us, everyone!" 

On this bombshell, Atheist Nick Clegg exits the room.

          WEDNESDAY 21.09.16          
The 13th page of The Daily Mail reports on “CLEXIT”.  It’s the most coverage the LibDems have had since the election; sadly, in other news, no one cares.  There’s bigger fish to fry. 

Over in America, The UN conference is Underway. Much to the British’s PM’s dismay, however, the subject is not immigration. Another story has moved across the world… 

“What are your thought on Brangelexit, Theresa?” an ABC News commentator asks. “How will you respond?” 

“Brangelexit means Brangelexit.” Ms May barks. “I’ve made my views on this topic quite clear!”

  When the media asks for a statement from President Putin, he is outraged. “Ms Jolie is Russian Spy.” He seeths. “Did you not see film Salt?”

“But earlier today Mr President, a source revealed that Brad Pitt hired Russian prostitutes.  What are you thoughts on these claims?” Suddenly, Putin’s anger turns to a smirk. 

“Well, maybe he not think Russia so bad after all.”

Boris Johnson is also asked to comment, but he's otherwise engaged with Donald Trump. They've bonded over the revelation that they share the same hair stylist.

          THURSDAY 22.09.16          
Hilliary has summoned her team.

Bill and Stephanie pitch their “Humans of Hilliary” idea, expecting a firm rebuttal. They are shocked with the response.

“I LOVE it!” Hilliary proclaims. “Humans of Hilliary, so it’s still all about Hilliary!”

“Of course!” Stephanie gushes, “the plan is to make it all about you… just without you actually being there. We'll have a film crew follow Chelsea and Charlotte, as they lead the day-to-day life of your average American.

"So we’ll show her shopping at Bloomingdales, where the ordinary people shop. Talking to other humans, like ordinary people do. As well as juggling the demands of a working Mother… We've asked to keep the 6 nannies off-camera.”

“I LOVE it!” Hilliary proclaims. “What should we call it?”

“How about Made in Chelsea?” Suggests Bill.

“Stop being such a Pratt, Bill,” Stephanie shouts. "That's already TAKEN."

“HELLO!” screeched Hilliary, “are we forgetting it’s all about ME? I vote for Made in Hilliary, after me. VOTE HILLIARY!”

At least she can count on one.

          FRIDAY 23.09.16          
It's one day until the Labour leadership results and it's not looking good for Owen Smith. Corbyn has officially become the most searched for Jeremy on Google, beating superstars Clarkson and Kyle to the top spot.

Smith has faired less well, ranking 666th out of… 666. Actor Owen Wilson came top, with Corbynite Owen Jones a solid 7th. Even Owen’s local greengrocer, Owen Swede, places higher.

Controversial Mr Swede made headlines this summer, following his appearance on Channel 5 documentary “Owen Smith and Friends”. Despite being introduced as a "longtime comrade" of the Labour hopeful, Swede condemned the EU's discrimination of bendy bananas and Smith's own bendy policies.

"He couldn't give a straight answer if his soggy bottom depended on it," Swede ranted. "His policies are as inedible as a straight-banana cake". The greengrocer is rumoured to be replacing Paul Hollywood on Bake Off.

Smith was, understandably, disappointed by Swede's comments and wider reactions to Owen Smith and Friends. The Daily Fail declared "a Welsh Chris Evans,", while the The Hard Times nicknamed the show "Flop Gear".

Nevertheless, Smith is undeterred. He's in talks with Love Me! Productions to film a second series, which would cost broadcasters a whopping £7. In the last hour, the BBC confirmed that they cannot afford this. Channel 4 subsequently confirmed that they don't give a Smith.

          SATURDAY 24.09.16          

"But I had JK Rowling supporting me!" Smith sobs to his wife. "How could I lose?"

"The trouble is Owen," she reasons, "JK Rowling isn't actually magic, "what's more, you probably lost it as soon as you mentioned Tony Blair He Who Must Not Be Named."  

 To try and console himself, Smith phones the one politician whose downfall was was more tragic than his. To his shock, it goes straight to Voicemail. 

“Hello, this is glitterBalls! Please call back on my new number, the Strictly voting line.” 

“He’ll be hosting bloody Bake-off next,” Smith grumbles.

On that note, he goes to check on his straight-banana cake, a star bake that could be following his political hopes to the dustbin. God knows what a bendy banana cake would taste like, but that’s one risk Smith wouldn't be taking. 

Some unions aren’t meant to be. g

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